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THE SECRET OF MARRIAGE THAT NO ONE WILL EVER TELL YOU


THE SECRET OF MARRIAGE THAT NO ONE WILL EVER TELL YOU


And now it remains to do the most important thing - to bring to the altar. If only to finish, if only she didn’t run away along the road, if only everything turned out well. Huuuh… That’s all… It seems that I’ve finished it… You can exhale… What???? Who is it??? School love??!! Damn… It seems like every Hollywood movie from the 90s and 2000s and Victorian era novels tell us that marriage starts with this. The altar is like the final and most important point. 

No, not a countdown. Maybe no return? The hero only needs to bring the bride to the altar. Finished? All mission completed. What's next? And then they lived happily ever after, and died on the same day. ... and who listened, well done. Something like that.
 

Marriage is just an act. Like a fact 


Sometimes it seems that we continue to live in the era of Romanticism with its superiority of imagination over reason. 

Very cynical and rational in working moments and during a showdown with locksmiths and watchmen, we completely turn off our heads when it comes to, for example, marriage.

It is as if we live in the forest of elves, we feed on morning dew and minstrels whisper lullabies to us. What happens to us? At what point do we break down? And who is to blame for this, is Julia Roberts with her beauties and runaway brides? Now let's try to figure it out. 


If at least someone, instead of launching regular courses about a happy family life and about the need to serve a husband and cherish his wife, fuck hard and fulfill all the whims, finally said the main thing about marriage, then, perhaps, and the number of disappointed expectations would be less. 

And the main thing in fact is this: marriage is a kind of act of civil status. Like birth, adoption and divorce. 

This is just a contract, the same one you sign with your customer, partner, boss. This is an act that allows you to go into intensive care if your husband suddenly appears there, pick him up from the hospital and not testify against him in court. Everything. 

Dumplings with sour cream, the amount of morning sex and holidays in the Maldives are not included in this contract. 

Unless you sign a marriage contract. But these are optional moments, not everyone reaches them. 


He is closer to me than my own 


But even this ordinary civil act of fortune, this legally formalized and voluntary union, this social institution (you can continue to sketch out important definitions to weight this word “marriage”, add weight to it) can be made pleasant and life in it harmonious.  

So, no matter what they tell us about marriage, no matter what secrets they try to discover, all these tricks turn out to be empty manipulation. And in the end, you realize that they were just trying to make money on you. 

There are no other, some far-fetched secrets of marriage, except for one - to become relatives, your own. 

That is, to intermarry not on paper, not according to the signed document and your signature in the place where the aunt pointed at the registry office with a pointer. No, for marriage, you need to become relatives naturally.  

This is not about a resounding clap and rubbing of the palms after the ceremony, they say, well, that's it, dear wife, now you are mine. No, it doesn't work. And in the courses of family happiness they will not teach this, they will not pump the part of the brain that is responsible for matrimoniality - this comes with time. 

After a year, three, ten years of living together, you realize that you love this person unconditionally. And not just love, but that he became your own, even one step closer than blood relatives. 

Who would have thought, right?  And what leads to this? Everything starts with friendship. It ends with it. That is, among truly native people, friendship will not disappear anywhere. 


Friendship of them is more 


Everything passes - and a passion that cannot be quenched and you want more and more, and endless flirting, and indefatigable flirting. And the love that is just about, it would seem, discovered in itself, so full-bodied and portly, the time will come, and she will leave. Everything, if it does not pass without leaving a trace, then it will simply silently be reborn into a new form.  Only one will not pass. The one that started it all. 

Of any good and mature relationship, only friendship does not go away. And then you finally understand that it was not about love that was said in the letter to the Corinthians. 

What is the friendship of them more ...  A good strong marriage of mature people rests on friendship. This is when you can share everything with a person and listen to him. This is when you laugh a lot and you can go somewhere out of town for the weekend, because suddenly such a mood has appeared. 

This is when you realize that your husband is no longer the boy you once fell in love with, accept the fact that we all change a little every day and you can discuss these changes with him. 

Both his and theirs. Friendship is real. She does not hover in the clouds, does not deceive supposedly for good. For this we appreciate it as a foundation in relationships. 


I bought you from what was 


The biggest mistake in marriage is to take each other for granted, something that belongs to you unconditionally. 

This stamp in the passport has this incomprehensible magical power, which just blinds and launches a dangerous bagpipe: listen, well, you are my husband. 

So what? You bought him from the galley, removed the shackles from his swollen legs, washed him, fattened him, warmed his shrunken body and cured him of leprosy? For what should he be unquestioningly grateful to you and carry you in his arms? What have you done to possess him, him as a person? Nothing. 

In my opinion, slavery has been officially abolished all over the world. Or maybe I'm wrong, and in individual states-families it still flourishes in the form of "you are my wife", "you are my husband"? In any case, this is domestic violence and definitely not the way to a happy family life.  

For some reason, I just remembered the film "Marriage Story" (2019) by Noah Baumbach. It seems to be about a quiet divorce, but it's actually about marriage and relationships. 

There are good metaphors for the theater and the roles of men and women in the family. But I'm not talking about that now. Charlie (Adam Driver) and Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) are getting a divorce. 

At the request of the family therapist, each of them prepared a list of favorite good qualities that a partner possesses. But neither Charlie nor Nicole were able to voice this list, looking into each other's eyes. 

But in the process of meeting with a psychotherapist, they accuse each other fairly and without hesitation with such anger and hatred that they want to close their ears, and their mouths. 

This suggests that it is very difficult for us to notice the good in each other and talk about it out loud. It is difficult for us to praise a husband, boyfriend, wife, it is difficult to publicly note the good in each other. 


Although the film "Marriage Story" is about divorce, it is interesting to watch it as a guide to relationships. No wonder family psychologists advise him to couples who are now walking on thin ice. 

By the way, Charlie and Nicole, as they were friends, so friends parted. Noah Baumbach talks about this with a scene where, at the end, Scarlett Johansson's character ties Adam Driver's shoelaces. Because, as I said earlier: ... and the friendship of them is greater. 


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